She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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