I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
