I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
