have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
