You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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