Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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