It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
