my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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