she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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