The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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