There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
