My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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