it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
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