I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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