brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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