Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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