i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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