There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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