I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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