Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
