Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
