God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
