i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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