now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
