I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
