I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
