We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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