i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
