It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
