Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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