You're my little dorito
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
