So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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