I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
