I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
