her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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