6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
