Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
