A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
