Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
