So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
