Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
