so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
