last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
