why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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