i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
