My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
