Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
