Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
