he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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