he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
