I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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