drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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