As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
