Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Say something about gay babies.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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