I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We smell like vodka and hangover
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