This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
